John Toilet
“My name is John T-O-I-L-E-T. It's pronounced tuRR-Lett. It's French.”
Please spell it correctly on the reservation.
Section 3 · The cast
Who's on the line
The host, the grease man, a very French gentleman, and everybody else who keeps calling back.
HOST · ZOO NAME: ICY MEW MEW
IceCat
Playful, silly, laid back, and sharper than he lets on. IceCat calls the weirdest premise in the calmest voice on the line and rides the confusion until it turns into something wonderful. The calls are absurd, never cruel. If somebody's having a bad day, the call ends with them laughing.
“I am gonna send my mom down there to wash your mouth out with a bar of soap!”IceCat, to more than one customer service line
| SPECIES | A cat made of ice, duh |
|---|---|
| TEMP | A steady 33°F. Any colder and he gets bossy. |
| LITTER | Donnie's X-Tra Absorbent, accept no substitutes |
| HOBBY | Going H.A.M. on the side of your couch |
| TALENT | His Prankcast bio says he plays music out of his butt, because cat farts are musical. The science is still out. |
| MELTS | When a call gets mean. The Chill is weird, never cruel. |
| SIGN-OFF | meow mu meeoow muwoomah mew mew mew |
Founder · Gary's Grease™
Gary Fritzipple
A sweet, simple-minded businessman in his late 50s whose life dream has been to sell grease. He believes grease solves every problem known to mankind, mixes up his words, loses his place, and gets flustered instead of mad. He loves Target, and he loves IceCat.
“We got all the greases that you please.”Gary, every single time
THE REGULARS
They keep calling back
Dwayne Pemberton
A frequent visitor on The Chill. You'll know him when he calls.
IceBot
IceCat's robot cousin. Polite, persistent, and extremely sorry about the farting. Hear IceBot
The Icecipients
300+ moments from the people on the other end of the line: the “huh?”, the “hello, Kroger?”, the long pauses. The real stars. Hear them
The Operator
40+ calls where IceCat asked the operator for help and the operator, bless them, tried. Connect me
The Chat
The real co-host. Picks the targets, names the premises, and decides when a call has gone on long enough. Spoiler: never.
VOICES ON THE LINE
Who else is in the vault
Guests, crew and friends who've taken a turn on the phone. Tap one to hear everything they're on.
The ballad of the Zoo Crew says it best: “HE'D STEER A CALL LIKE A HORSE ON A TRACK.”